Pregnant But Not Pregnant

I think I am having a hysterical pregnancy. My doctor, who was kind enough to call me after office hours, says that if you think you're having a hysterical pregnancy, you're not having one. I grabbed what I thought was an ovulation predictor kit, and took the test only to have it turn faintly positive. Well it turned out to be a pregnancy test. I know for a fact that I am not pregnant. I took the second one. It was positive too, as were three of the other four I went out and bought. And unless I'm eight months pregnant, they were wrong. I think my hormones are out of control. That would explain all the pregnancy symptoms and the positive tests.
There is a moral to the story. Don't call your doctor ten minutes before closing if you think you need an appointment or lab work. Now I have to wait until next week to find out just how crazy this is.